What If I Don't Get What I Want?

So, 2020 ended.

Quit my job.

Join a volunteer program to China.

Get that dream job in China. #TeamWang

Travel back to Taiwan with sister.

… That’s my initial plan for 2020. What I actually did-

Quit my job.

Spent the 2nd half of the year back at hometown.

Applied for my dream job.

Cancelled my Taiwan trip.

Thanks to the pandemic, I only get to accomplish 49.5% of my 2020 goals. So I asked myself, what so great about my 2020?... And I think, it was [time]. The time I had to re-think about future, about the possibilities in life.

Although I didn’t get to join the volunteer program to China and cancelled my Taiwan trip, but I had a good 6 months with my family at home. I bet this is what meant the most in 2020, to have your loved ones healthy and safe by your side. I spent more time in doing what makes me happy, write + dance. I took courage and applied for that dream job, even if the percentage of being hired is 0.000001.

TBH, I wasn’t in the best state that I expect myself to be during year end. Fear paralyzed me. Back then in March, I never thought it would ever happen to me when I saw this statement: “Fear paralyzed us.” Yet, it happened. I asked myself, where have the faith and fearless confidence gone? That Tricia that was so positive about her future, so trustful in God that He will grant her her heart’s desire.

Uncertainties and worries overwhelmed me, and I’m so afraid that I'm incapable in getting what I desire. I felt so worthless, powerless, helpless… I tried very hard to stay positive, to not let negativities and fears kick-in. Yet, the more I tried the more I failed. I tend to avoid people, avoid going out, because I felt so shameful. (OS: Why can’t I get things right?!)

I usually don’t share these to others, not even my loved ones, because I don’t want to show weakness, I don’t want to be a burden. But today, I just thought of sharing it here, just because someone might need to hear this.

IT’S OKAY TO BE NOT OKAY.

IT’S OKAY TO NOT MAKE IT EVEN WHEN YOU’VE GIVEN YOUR BEST.

"If you've ever felt frustrated by an uncertain season that lasts longer than you anticipated, you're not alone. We can become so focused on our disappointments that we forget God is still in control. That's why it's important to remember that your waiting is never wasted. God wasn't withholding His promises, He's preparing you for it."

*taken from a plan in YouVersion app – Dealing with Uncertainty

So, I look for evidence of God's presence, and look back on what He's already done. God opened up my eyes to see that it's okay to not get what you worked very hard for (but first make sure you gave your 100%), it's not your problem, that's just not in His plan for us. And maybe stop focusing on that 1 outcome and shift the focus to see the other possibilities God have prepared for us.

You know, sometimes, F A I T H don’t necessarily equal to you’ll get what you want? It actually means that no matter what, you still trust that God is good and believe that He has the best prepared for you.

“It took me a long time, and lots of tears to figure out God wasn’t just going to give me what I wanted if I was “good.” Instead, He would help me in my imperfection to see that my goals were simply misplaced. The focus is not getting what I want but finding my true delight in the Lord.”

P R A Y E R it’s not about asking God to give me what I want, instead, is to allow Him to work in me, to change my heart, to fix whatever desires that are being misplaced.

“When you find yourself in a battle you know you’re ill-equipped to handle, look at the situation in front of you and observe what’s going on around you, but don’t let that stop you from clinging to God’s authority and pursuing what He’s promised you.”

*taken from a plan in YouVersion app – Dealing with Uncertainty

Although I still haven’t gotten that ‘dream job’; although I don’t know where would I end up next; although I don’t know if I will live that life I want. Yet, what I know is, God holds my future, He had it all planned out. Hence, no matter what He gives, I’ll take it, because I know that’s the best for me, and most importantly, God is with me.

Just like Peter walk on water. It makes no sense; it might not be something he would normally do. Still, he stepped out of that boat, purely because at the other end, God is reaching out to him.

God's timeline & plans may be different from yours, but His faithfulness doesn't waver. I hope you are encouraged. Keep giving in your best, and let God do the rest. Believe that all that you've been through will not be wasted, He is preparing you for His best. And when your heart is aligned with God's plan, even if by the end of the day you don't get what you want initially, I believe it will no longer be sorrow and pain.